A matter of manners

There’s a better than average chance that when you think of 4-H, “etiquette” isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.   It might not even be the twentieth or even the hundred and twentieth thing that comes to mind.  But the Extension Office in Caribou County is nothing if not surprising, and the full staff was involved last week in a formal etiquette dinner class for students in Soda Springs at Thirkill.

4-H program coordinator Lisa Barfuss, who recently returned from a cruise on which she had ample time to practice what she preached, led the groups of Thirkill elementary students through a refresher course in the finer points of formal dining etiquette, as well as general rules for engaging in polite society.

“Now this isn’t how I eat every night either,” Barfuss said, after asking the students how many of them ate dinner with a formal setting.  “A lot of times, we eat on the couch at my house, especially after a long day.  But you need to know what to do when the situation is a bit more formal, because believe it or not, it will come up some day.”

Members of the University of Idaho Extension Office in Caribou County—which holds classes for 4-H students throughout the year, hosts seminars on farm and ranch issues for locals, and of course oversees many of the events at the Caribou County and state fairs—jumped in to help with the day’s lessons.  The Extension Office has an education-oriented mission, and its employees are all game for educating on a variety of subjects.

In this case, Justin Hatch was called on to demonstrate proper seating and eating etiquette, while Sara Smith and Taylor Simmons provided demonstrations on things NOT to do while at the table.  Alexis Carroll and Rachel Hamilton joined the others at the student tables to help discuss the finer points of pasta management.

During a session earlier in the morning, students were given general instructions on how to behave and perform during a formal dinner.  Later on, students were brought back into the cafeteria to put that learning to practice with a formal spaghetti dinner.  As laughter filled the room, students practiced proper fork use to avoid slurping their noodles.

Over the course of the event, students had a number of excellent questions about the ins and outs of table manners.  While it was immediately clear that students had all heard the admonition against putting their elbows on the table and talking on their phones at the table, some of the less obvious pointers seemed to come as a surprise.

A partial list of reminders from the presentation includes some of the following: “Ladies are first.  Gentlemen pull out the chairs for the ladies.  Come to the table with a clean face and hands.”  Lisa Barfuss led with a reminder of this point, and continued to remind her listeners that their behavior would communicate a lot to other people about who they were, especially people who did not already know them.  

“Say hello—eye contact is important.  If you are the host take coats and bags.  Greet your guests and introduce people if they are new.  Place your napkin in your lap, use it properly.  Sit still—don’t wiggle or lie on your chair.  Don’t get up and down.  When dinner starts you wait patiently for the food to be passed.  If you want something, say please pass.  When passing the food, it should usually be passed to the right,” Barfuss itemized, patiently answering questions about why certain things were done the way they were.  Many students noted occasions on which they had experienced formal dining rules.

“Always wait for the host or hostess.  They may begin with a prayer.  Be respectful of other people’s beliefs,” she said.  Students responded with a range of perspectives on how and whether their families had prayers prior to eating.

“If you have younger siblings, be a role-model.  Take small bites, don’t stuff your mouth.  Don’t talk with your mouth full.  Don’t come to the table with gum.  If you forget, don’t put it on your plate.  Tear a small part of your napkin and put it in that.  Never put your gum on the underside of a table or chair,” she continued.  Based on the reactions, more than one student had violated the previous principle.

“Don’t double dip.  If there is a dipping sauce, pour a small amount on your plate.  Don’t complain about the food.  You should try everything, but take a small portion and if you don’t like it just don’t eat it.”  Barfuss used the story of her husband’s reaction to escargot as an example.  While he initially was skeptical about the snail dish, he politely ate it.  And then he ate everyone else’s!

“Have conversation.  Sitting in awkward silence is the worst.  But make sure it is appropriate and not silly.  Try not to interrupt when people are speaking.  Never burp at the table.  Cover your mouth and say excuse me.  If you have to sneeze, cover your face with your napkin or elbow, turn your head, and say excuse me.  Never blow your nose at the table.  Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.  Wash your hands when you are done.”

“Absolutely NO electronic devices at the table.  No phones or toys.”

“Make sure to say thank you to the host or hostess for the meal.  When you are done eating, place your fork and knife crossways on your plate.  This will indicate that you are done eating.  You can also place your napkin over your silverware.”

“Smile, smile, smile.  Don’t worry about being so proper that you forget to have a good time.”

As the meal finished up and students filed back to their classrooms, they were a more respectful bunch than the one that had initially come into the lunchroom.  Whether the effect is permanent or not, the lessons learned are now stored in their memories, ready to emerge
when needed!